Do you ever do this? Do you ever think about something you’ve experienced with your kids and wonder how their memory of the event compares to your own? Or compare a lesson you tried to teach with what they actually learned?
I do, especially when it comes to fishing. I love fishing, and I’ve tried to share that love with my kids, especially when they were younger. We’ve spent a fair amount of time on the water together. I’m wise enough to know that they haven’t always enjoyed this time as much as I have, but just how far apart are our memories? Do they look back on these times fondly? Did I teach them anything? Did they teach me anything?
I recently got some insight when I sat down to “interview” my daughter Ellie. Ellie is 20 years old and a sophomore at UConn, studying environmental engineering. We started fishing together when she was four or five. In our interview, we discussed six topics: first fishing experience; largest fish; next bucket list fish; most fun; lessons learned; lessons taught. What follows is a recap of the questions I asked, her answers, and my take on each topic.
First Fishing Experience
Mark: Where was the first place you fished?
Ellie: Umm…at our cabin in Utah?
Mark: Yes. How old were you?
Ellie: I don’t know.
Mark: What did you fish for?
Ellie: Trout, right?
Mark: Yes. I think you even won an award at the annual Duck Creek Days for the largest fish caught. Do you remember Duck Creek Days?
Ellie: Yes. It was like the Olympics. They had a bunch of contests where you could win medals. Things like fishing, archery, crafts, etc. I think I ultimately won all of the medals available.
Mark: Did you win the medal for biggest fish, or did Gage (her older brother)? I can’t remember.
Ellie: I did. As I said, I won all of the medals.
Mark: Any other memories of fishing in Utah?
Ellie: No. Wait…. I remember Gage and I used to catch dragonflies to use for bait. The blue ones worked pretty well.
My take: I can tell already that some part of me has rubbed off on Ellie. “As I said, I won all of the medals” is something I might say if you questioned me a second time about whether I won a fishing medal. I’m also glad Ellie remembered catching dragonflies. It’s one of my own favorite memories of Utah. Partly because they had so much fun doing it and partly because it’s the first time my son Gage proved me wrong. I distinctly remember telling him: “That won’t work, Gage. The dragonfly is too fragile to stay on the hook.” Of course, he caught a beautiful little brook trout on his first cast.
Largest Fish
Mark: What is the biggest fish you have caught so far?
Ellie: My state record pumpkinseed. Actually, that’s not right. I’ve caught bass that were bigger. But they weren’t state records.
Mark: So, a bass is your biggest fish? Was it a smallmouth or largemouth?
Ellie: I know I’ve caught both, but the largemouth was probably bigger.
Mark: Where did you catch it?
Ellie: Probably Lake McDonough. Or Congamond. Or that lake we take our kayaks. I really don’t know. But all three of those lakes have big bass and are fun to fish.
Mark: What bait were you using?
Ellie: A wacky worm, I think.
Mark: Do you remember any of the details?
Ellie: No, not really. I probably could barely hold the rod up.
My take: Ellie’s answers tell me what I already knew. For her, it’s not always about the fish. She enjoys an occasional fishing outing, and is proud to have caught a state record, but she isn’t obsessed with it. Who cares which lake produced her largest bass? They all have big fish, and they all are worth the trip. Good for her.
Next Fish on the Bucket List
Mark: What is the next fish on your bucket list?
Ellie: A pickerel. I mean actually land one, not just hook it.
Mark: Why a pickerel?
Ellie: They are so hard to catch. That’s the thrill, to get one on the boat before it cuts the line. And because you’re always catching them, making it look easier than it is.
My take: Here is an exception to Ellie not being obsessed. She has a bad case of pickerel fever. I understand because I had it for a long time. I caught my fever years ago at West Twin Lake. I was fishing with Gage and one of his friends and was reeling in a nice bluegill. I had just got it above the weed line when, out of nowhere, a giant pickerel darted up and bit the bluegill in half. The water was clear, so I saw the whole thing. I even got to watch as the pickerel paused, suspended in the water column, and gulped down the back half of my bluegill. Pickerel are veracious predators and tough fighters. And, as Ellie points out, they are difficult to land because they are adept at turning their heads to run your line across their very sharp teeth. It took me years to catch one. I occasionally still do, and though it may seem to Ellie that I’m making it look easy, it’s mostly luck. I’m glad she’s obsessed, though, because it guarantees that she’ll fish with me at least once or twice a year.
Most Fun
Mark: What’s the most fun you’ve had fishing?
Ellie: The time we set out to catch two hundred fish in one day.
Mark: What made it so fun?
Ellie: I never had to wait for a fish. All I had to do was put my hook in the water. It was bite after bite after bite.
My take: It makes me feel good that this is the day Ellie cited as the most fun. Don’t get me wrong, we did have fun. We caught 125 fish in just over six hours. Mostly panfish that bit on everything. We experimented to see how far they would go. We caught fish that day on beef jerky, bubble gum, bits of candy and even bare hooks. But I thought Ellie would mention a trip we took with my friend Dave and his daughter Sidney. Sidney and Ellie were, and are, good friends. When the girls were 12, we camped at Otis Lake and had a blast. The girls got a kick out of frying and eating fish they had caught. But we also did things that are usually more fun, and more memorable, for two young girls: we played cards, told spooky stories, and roasted marshmallows. It says something, I hope, that Ellie thought first of a trip with me and not one where her friend Sidney was with us.
Lessons Learned: Ellie
Mark: What’s the most valuable lesson I’ve taught you?
Ellie: In fishing, or in life?
Mark: Either.
Ellie: I can think of two you’ve taught me about fishing. First: how to set the hook properly. You taught me that you can’t set it too quickly; that you have to be patient and make sure the fish really has the bait in its mouth. Second, you taught me how to fish with a wacky worm. Big fish like wacky worms, so it’s a good skill to have. You taught me how to let it sink slowly and how to jiggle my rod tip to raise it in the water, and then to let it sink again. If you do it right, it looks like a dying fish.
Mark: Any life lessons?
Ellie: You mean a fishing lesson that can carry over into life, or just in general?
Mark: Either.
Ellie: The lesson on setting hooks carries over well. Being able to exercise patience has helped me, especially in stressful situations. And the life lesson you’ve tried the hardest to teach: work hard. If something is important to you, always keep at it, no matter how difficult things get.
My take: It’s possible that Ellie was bulls***ing me, that she knew it was important to me that she had heard my message on the value of patience, hard work and perseverance. But I don’t think so. She answered the questions quickly and directly, without time to think about what I might want to hear. Either way, I’m proud that she got the message. And trust me, it’s one I’ve repeated often. If the kids had a dollar for every time I told them: “Just put your head down and plow through it,” they’d be rich.
Lessons Learned: Mark
Mark: What is one thing you hope I’ve learned from you?
Ellie: Open up. Be more vulnerable with your emotions.
Mark: How would I learn that from fishing?
Ellie: It’s easy. Start with something simple. You like fishing with Gage and me. So be honest about it. Instead of making some joke about how you always have to fish by yourself, say: “Will you go fishing with me? I enjoy your company.”
My take: Damn Ellie. She’s right. I do need to get better at this. I’ve tried, but I’m afraid I haven’t made much progress. Either in fishing or in life. But perhaps she’s begun to nudge me in the right direction. Because if she had asked me what I’ve learned from fishing with her, I would have said: “Chill out. It isn’t always about catching fish.” For Ellie, when the fishing is slow, there is equal joy in having a snack, noticing her surroundings, or just taking a nap. In today’s vernacular, we would call that “being present”, and it’s as valuable as hard work and perseverance.