I was deep in thought the other day regarding the approaching holiday season, and I got to wondering: what was Frederick Austin thinking?
As you may know, Frederick is responsible for the song The Twelve Days of Christmas. He was, apparently, a clever guy, taking the words of a children’s story written by an unknown author in the late 1700s and turning them into the Christmas carol we all know so well. It’s a holiday favorite for sure.
But if Frederick were alive today, I’d have some questions for him. Like: why these words? If you’re going to create a song about me receiving a number of gifts over a twelve-day period, why not make the gifts something I might actually use and/or enjoy?
Think about it. What am I going to do with leaping lords? At least ten of them, no less.
And although I can see the potential value of five golden rings sold on eBay, wouldn’t I have to disclose to buyers that they came from the inside of a goose?
Also, Frederick, did you mean to be so ambiguous? Do I get both the partridge and the pear tree, or do I have to extract the bird?
Most importantly, and I don’t want to over-lawyer it, but are these gifts cumulative? Do I get, for example, one partridge/pear tree or twelve? Is it nine dancing ladies or thirty-six?
With the music and Christmas industries being what they are, and with the fact that Frederick passed away in 1952, it’s not likely that I will get satisfactory answers to my questions. But no worries, I have taken the time to write a different version of the song, one that fishermen and fisherwomen can both appreciate and sing joyfully.
Two quick notes. First, you will enjoy this much more if you actually sing the words and not just read them. Second, I leave it to you whether you want the gifts to be cumulative. In my Christmas dreams, they are
On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
A big bass from a downed tree.
On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Five spin-ner-baits,
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Six pike a-chasing,
Five spin-ner-baits,
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Seven schoolie stripers,
Six pike a-chasing,
Five spin-ner-baits,
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Eight monster tautogs,
Seven schoolie stripers,
Six pike a-chasing,
Five spin-ner-baits,
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Nine snapper bluefish,
Eight monster tautogs,
Seven schoolie stripers,
Six pike a-chasing,
Five spin-ner-baits,
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Ten Z-Man jigheads,
Nine snapper bluefish,
Eight monster tautogs,
Seven schoolie stripers,
Six pike a-chasing,
Five spin-ner-baits,
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Eleven packs of Senkos,
Ten Z-Man jigheads,
Nine snapper bluefish,
Eight monster tautogs,
Seven schoolie stripers,
Six pike a-chasing,
Five spin-ner-baits,
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Twelve lucky crankbaits,
Eleven packs of Senkos,
Ten Z-Man jigheads,
Nine snapper bluefish,
Eight monster tautogs,
Seven schoolie stripers,
Six pike a-chasing,
Five spin-ner-baits,
Four giant smallies,
Three Ugly Stiks,
Two Zebco reels,
And a big bass from a downed tree.
Merry Christmas, everyone!