Building close relationships in adulthood can be challenging. Many social situations call for polite small talk, not heart-to-heart conversations, making it difficult to really connect deeply with people. Gail Altschwager led a workshop on June 16, using the 36 Questions That Lead to Closeness from the University of California to connect and possibly make new friends.
“The University found that incoming students were so addicted to their cell phones they didn’t know how to make friends,” said Altschwager. “Even people in their 30s or 40s are more likely to communicate through texting than talking.”
As people age, their circle of friends also tends to shrink due to moving, or worse, passing away, she said. One way to increase your social circle and overcome these barriers to closeness is by engaging in reciprocal self-disclosure—that is, to reveal increasingly personal information about yourself, as they do the same to you. Research suggests that spending just 45 minutes engaging in self-disclosure with a new person can dramatically increase feelings of closeness and may form the basis of a new relationship.
Questions ranged from, “If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?” to “Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?” Some questions are deeply personal and not easy to ask, such as “When did you last cry in front of another person?”
One participant said he came to the workshop because he is part of a men’s group but finds it difficult to get to know the other members and form new friendships, something he hopes improve with techniques learned at the class.
“Learning something new is always a priority,” said Carolyn Flint of Granby. “I’m going to try these questions and see where it leads.”